ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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