I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
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Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
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Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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