Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
