i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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