We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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