I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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