you didnt know i had herpes?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
