So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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