remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
