drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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