I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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