Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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