We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Randomize
