Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
