Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
