I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
