this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
