Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
