So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
