I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
