You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
