Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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