i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
