Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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