he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
