I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
