Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
