woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
