can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
