My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
