I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My penis needs a shock collar
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
