You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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