guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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