yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
