I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
