I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
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