My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
