I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
