We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Everything about him screamed your future.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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