I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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