so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
