i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
