"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
