the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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