if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
