Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
