Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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