3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
