fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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