My hair reeks of homosexuality.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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