And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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