No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
