My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
