I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
