I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
