my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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