i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
