im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
