You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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