You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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