If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
